• What's ticked?
• Accolades
• Contact us

c o l u m n s

• Cheap Charlie
• ChrisCrossings
• Err Travel
• Leocha
• Travel Notes
• Archives

The Tourist Returns?
The Occidental Tourist · November 9, 2001

The Tourist returns? Well, just for a week. This year, he's gone on hiatus from Ticked.com, but is still traveling and rattling cages. Here's a travelogue for 2001:

Want to take part in a worthwhile, family activity while on vacation? Good. Go to a nice, crowded beach resort, say, like Ocean City, Md. Now, after the crowds who cover all but five grains of sand have left, go out with your child for a walk along the ocean. But take a plastic baggie with you, so the two of you can pick up all the beer cans, cigarette butts and junk food bags left behind by ingrates. Ingrates who feel like they owe nothing to the natural resources that they enjoy. Is it that difficult, as a guest, to leave the place the way you found it? Well, anyway, at least the Tourist's kid doesn't seem to mind cleaning up after rude visitors.

No more family vacations in O.C. The next time around, the Tourist took the crew to Rehoboth Beach, Del., instead. Funny thing about Rehobeth. It's taken charge of its own destiny, sharply limiting development of high-rise condos and preserving the quaint architecture and atmosphere of its in-town area. Not like the place is perfect; for sure, traffic can be cramped on the main drag on a Saturday. But the Tourist will take it over 'build, build, develop, develop' at any cost resort thinking any time.

A remedy for the summer of shark attacks? Try a lake. We did, at Lake Michigan. And found it to be a nice alternative to the maddening, traffic-choked crowds at Ocean City and the Outer Banks of North Carolina. The water is clean, blue and serene. The crowds are manageable. We decided to drive there as well, enjoying the mountain views of Western Maryland and Pennsylvania along the way.

Still, aggravation is inevitable. Try the Holiday Inn in Toledo, Ohio. The Tourist wanted a newspaper with his breakfast on a Saturday morning. The gift shop sign said the place was open at 10 a.m. To his surprise, the place was locked down and empty at 10:30 a.m. The Tourist went to the next door hair cutter and asked what was up. "Oh, the lady who runs the place is probably running her errands," they said, laughing, "you won't see her for a while." Hey, clueless retail managers, here's some business advice: The reason why nobody shops at your stores now isn't because of panic over little terrorist trolls plotting ways to destroy the SUV/cell phone/home entertainment center way of American life. It's because you can't even remotely motivate employees to provide the bare minimum of decent service and work ethic. You get a warmer, fuzzy feeling inside by shopping on a computer.

Post 9/11. Melancholy sets in. We take a drive, way out to Deep Creek Lake in Garrett County, Md. At night, the air is crisp. The beloved lad is sleeping peacefully. I light a fire that lasts for hours while the missus reads quietly. A cognac is in the Tourist's hands, and it never tasted so good. On a Saturday when terrorism fears are high, we're at the National Aquarium in Baltimore. No crowds. Good. The Tourist doesn't need to be mingling with a bunch of idiots anyway. (Besides, he doesn't like people who flee in panic when they see a speck of construction dust on the ground.) By December, the Tourist and his missus will head to New York, eat a great meal, drink fine wine and watch "The Producers" and celebrate life in the heart of a gutsy city.

Life is good, readers. Savor every moment.

The Occidental Tourist is a magazine writer in Washington, DC. He writes for Maxim, POV, Capital Style and ABCNews.com. His column appears on Tuesdays. E-mail him at tourist@ticked.com.