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(c) Elliott Publishing.

Yule Be Sorry
The Occidental Tourist · March 1, 2001

The Tourist and his beloved missus were looking forward to the fifth-year anniversary celebration in New York for most of the year by now. Somehow, Christmas season in the Big Apple seemed like a perfect setting for a romantic getaway.

And imagine his optimism as the train pulled away from Washington, and the Tourist flipped open his USA Today to read this ever-cheery headline: "Heading to NYC? Yule be sorry!"

The Tourist got all kinds of warm fuzzies as he read on: The congestion is "exceeded only by the bazaars of Arabia and the financial districts of East Asia." There are lines to enter FAO Schwarz, and crowds elbowing each other to check out the fancy, Christmas-display windows at the fine department stores. And hailing a cab? Consider it survival of the fittest.

Somehow, the Tourist managed to avoid the madness. In fact, he had what's technically defined as a 'pleasant' trip. So here's his take on surviving New York during Christmas season. And send 'im your tips at tourist@ticked.com, and don't forget to include your full name and city/town of residence:

- Catching a cab is not exactly rocket science in New York. For starters, there are lots and lots of them! Especially on famous, busy streets. (Hint: They have names like "Broadway," "Park Ave.," "Madison Ave.," etc. OK? Or does the Tourist have to draw you a picture?)

Obviously, if you're trying to catch a taxi outside your hotel and the line at the cab stand is 30 people long, you're gonna cool your heels for at least a half hour. Your best alternative? Head out to a busy street and find a hotel without a formal cab stand. Or, a cab stand with virtually no line. It's not like the hotel's curbside employees know that you're not staying at the hotel, right? Besides, if you tip them, it's not like they're gonna care. The law of averages dictates that cab is going to drop people off at a respectable hotel. And if they're dropping people off, they're gonna be ready to pick someone up. That someone, of course, would be you.

- Somehow, the Tourist must have missed all those lines in the department stores. Because he and the missus were able to come and go as they pleased. Here's a hint: Burn some vacation days and go during the week, while Wall Street is sweating out the nosediving NASDAQ. There were no crowds by the fancy, department-store windows. There were practically no people at all on the escalators at the glittering, gold Trump Towers digs. The long 'wait' at Macy's to see Santa took an entire 20 minutes. Hell, the Tourist waited 2.5 HOURS to get his beloved, little lad to see Santa at a Northern Virginia shopping mall!

- Media reports also were full of horror stories about New York hotel rates during December. Try $350 for a Red Roof Inn? The Tourist certainly didn't. He booked a four-star hotel for the princely sum of $185, right in the heart of lively - and, these days, cleaned-up - Times Square. How come? Because he booked the place six months in advance, when specials are available.

In other words: Married guys need to get a clue. You know that anniversary is coming up. (Sources tell me it happens once a year.) If it's a special one - those would be the ones that happen every five years - and you need to book a trip, decide well in advance where you're going. With months to spare, bargains emerge. And, since most hotels allow you to cancel a day or two in advance without penalty, you can afford to hotel shop.

- And, by the way, avoid using concierges who charge to book a Broadway show. You can save yourself a ton of cash simply by calling the theater and asking which ticket service handles their business. Not that the Tourist avoided a service charge. But he'll take that over the hotel concierge's markup - which happened to be 70 percent.

- Same MO for booking restaurants. New York's are notoriously jammed during the holidays. So carefully plot which ones are best for the occasion. (Online, the Tourist found cuisinenet.com to be a solid resource for menus and customer ratings.) Then, call the place and find out the exact day and time that you can phone in a reservation.

For New York's top establishments, it's usually a month in advance. But all have their specific, sometimes quirky reservation policies. At the world-famous Le Bernardin, for example, the Tourist had to call on the first Monday in November at 8:30 a.m. to book for the Wednesday before Christmas. His boss, a native, savvy New Yorker, was skeptical that the likes of the Tourist would even get into a fancy place like that. But, because of careful planning, the Tourist called at the very first available minute to book the place. He not only got a table, but he got his first choice of dinner times. At 7:30 p.m. that night, he and the missus were eating lobster at the finest table in the house.

The Occidental Tourist is a magazine writer in Washington, DC. He writes for Maxim, POV, Capital Style and ABCNews.com. His column appears on Tuesdays. E-mail him at tourist@ticked.com.