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Escape to New York II
The Occidental Tourist · February 1, 2001

Last month, the Tourist let on that, even if you spend a ton of money, you can still get tripped up on an expensive excursion. Case in point: His recent, fifth-year anniversary celebration with his beloved missus. The venue was New York City, just before Christmas. He carefully planned everything out in advance, figuring nothing could go wrong.

He was a naive fool, of course. Here's a rundown of irritations both minor and major. (And feed your high-spending, travel disasters to the Tourist at tourist@ticked.com. He'll include the best write-ups in a future column. Don't forget your full name and city/town of residence.)

- After the Tourist and the missus checked into their four-star, prime-location Big Apple hotel, he figured that a small bottle of wine may be considered. Unfortunately, the in-room fridge bar didn't happen to come with a menu. The Tourist innocently pulled out the bottle to see the label, and found that he couldn't push it back in when he opted not to open it. Y'see, the hotel was so sophisticated, that the fridge bar's computer system billed the Tourist just for looking at the bottle. Then, it billed him when his missus simply brushed her hands on a bag of peanuts. The tab? Just under $20. It took three phone calls to the front desk to get it swiped from the final bill.

- The Tourist plotted methodically to surprise his missus with a shopping spree - with a personal shopper - at Tiffany & Co. in Manhattan. He made sure all correspondence went to his business address, and not the home address. He told barely a soul about the plan. Then, when it came time to take the taxi, he took the hotel curbside service employee aside and specifically asked him to tell the cabbie not to blow the secret. He didn't want the missus to know where she was going until we pulled up to the legendary store.

Well, the hotel employee did his job. Unfortunately, in New York, it's technologically impossible to get a cabbie who has any reasonable command of the English language. Because, before we could even get our seat belts buckled, he turns to the Tourist and says "Tiffany's? Yes?"

Given the 'special occasion' factor here, the Tourist held back on poking out the driver's eyeballs. But, again, suffice to say: No tip for the ride. "Oh, well,'' the missus comforted him. "You kept a good secret with five minutes to spare."

- After taking in a show, we were too tired to head out to eat. So we went back to the hotel and ordered room service. Now, in reading the menu, an Asian, grilled duck salad with crisp noodles, veggies and Miso dressing sounds pretty darn good. Kinda like the funky, creative fare you see in Seattle. And, for a total bill of $26 with a single glass or Merlot, it should have measured up.

But, somehow, the alleged Miso dressing tasted suspiciously like parmesan pepper. The Tourist, being a trained journalist and professional observer, uncovered this because of the following, subtle clue: Parm pepper is generally creamy white with black specks. Miso is fluid and tannish. And, sure enough, the taste test confirmed his intuition. And the alleged "Asian" salad itself was absolutely uncanny in its resemblance to a standard garden salad with four, itsy-bitsy slices of bland, cold duck scooped on top.

So, by now, you may conclude that the Tourist and the missus had a miserable time. Not so. The Tourist, realizing the importance of the event, let the mishaps blow over without a confrontational incident. This time. And, thanks to some savvy, travel moves, he avoided what certainly could have been a maddening experience in New York right before the Christmas holiday. Next week, he dishes out the skinny on how to get the most out of the experience.

The Occidental Tourist is a magazine writer in Washington, DC. He writes for Maxim, POV, Capital Style and ABCNews.com. His column appears on Tuesdays. E-mail him at tourist@ticked.com.