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(c) Elliott Publishing.

Slamming Back
The Occidental Tourist · November 29, 2000

Last week, the Tourist let readers slam him on his hotel-lobby civility take. OK, to recap it one more time: The Tourist is a preferred guest at a hotel chain. The Tourist went to the preferred line to check in. Tourist's turn in line comes up. Obnoxious guest from the other line cuts in front. "I was waiting here longer," he whines. Tourist holds firm, tells him to go back and wait his turn in HIS line, and checks in. Scene gets really, really ugly. "I'll see you in hell," the Tourist says, moments before he pulls the trigger ...

... OK, OK, the last line was pure hyperbole. A Walter Mitty-esque thing.

This week, the Tourist allows the clearly intellectually superior readers - the ones who happen to agree with him - have their say. Although the Tourist isn't using names, his supporters include travel agents, flight attendants and even a guy with a doctorate who's teaching grad school in Texas:

"Bravo for standing up for yourself. But if it was a public scene, where was the hotel staff? Where was the assistant manager saying to the cad: "Sir, if you come over here, I can get you checked in right away. " Or was this the usual 20-year-old on the desk alone?"

Tourist response: Many readers seemed to recognize the ineptitude of the clerk, who was, in fact, a 20-year-old with a blank expression during the offending incident. When I shot her a 'Well? Aren't you going to tell him to get back to his own line?" look, she replied with that 'Gosh, they only pay me minimum wage so, like, I'm not supposed to be competent' stare. When pressed, she could only meekly mutter "Well, sir, I can't really make him get out of your line."

So I had paid $300 a night to essentially fend for myself. Go figure.

"Backing down in that situation would have been indulging those people in our society who drive on the shoulder of the highway; eat, drink and play boom boxes without headphones on the Metro; and take up three seats on an Amtrak train with their luggage so they can be comfortable. See, you encountered a guy who is so replete with narcissism he can't ever see he is wrong. These people should be beaten and put on an island somewhere. The statement, "I was in line longer," should have been met with an extremely snide reply, such as, "Get your five-dollar ass back in line before I make change ..."

Tourist to editor: This letter-writer should be considered for a future position with Ticked.com.

Editor to Tourist: True. But we'd need to get liability insurance first. And probably a health plan while we're at it ...

"You were right to stand your ground against this crass, cretinoid troglodyte!! Score one for our side - the one that takes proactive measures to see that travel goes smoothly."

Tourist to editor: Do we give prizes for using phrases like "crass, cretinoid troglodyte" in a letter?

Editor to Tourist: No. But we should.

"You did what I always wish I could do, and generally don't have the guts to do. Interestingly, I just had the Elite Line argument with my son. I claimed that people who spend all kinds of hours waiting in airports, squeezing into coach class and eating hockey-puck sandwiches deserve a few privileges. He pointed out that the people who were smart enough to avoid all that deserved the privileges. Of course, he's only 15. And I'm not going to turn down short lines and first-class upgrades in a spirit of egalitarianism."

Tourist to editor: Do we give out awards for using a word like 'egalitarianism' on our site?

Editor to Tourist: No. But we promptly forward such an e-mail to the New York Times Web site reviewer. He seems to think that the typical Ticked.com reader considers the Rock's autobiography to be the intellectual equivalent of Jean Paul Sartre's "Being and Nothingness."

The Occidental Tourist is a magazine writer in Washington, DC. He writes for Maxim, POV, Capital Style and ABCNews.com. His column appears on Tuesdays. E-mail him at tourist@ticked.com.