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The Occidental Tourist · August 2, 2000

More roar from the millions who make Ticked.com what it is today. (Think of what would happen if they all ended up at the same time-share presentation in Cancun ...) Send the Tourist your observations at tourist@ticked.com:

Esteemed columnist Mel Bowen of the Santa Cruz, Calif., Sentinel recently praised Ticked.com in a travel roundup. Yours truly was singled out for mention, but the Tourist got the feeling that Mel suspected that both the Tourist and the skinny he posts on this column may be, well, made up.

The Tourist and the Mel-ster had a congenial back and forth e-mail exchange. But just to set the record straight with any readers with similar suspicions: Yes, the Tourist is a real, live person who gets paid actual, real money by writing articles for many magazines. Some of which you've heard of. Before that, he was a newspaper writer for 10 years, and managed to stay employed in that field by getting his facts right.

And the info he posts on this site is the straight skinny. So, yes, places/events like the Elvis and Patsy show, the Fireant Festival and the Accountant Hall of Fame actually do exist. The Tourist has had a lot of fun with this column and sincerely enjoys the feedback from readers. And he would never do a disservice to them by making up crap that sounds good and sticking it in his column.

Editor to Tourist: What is this? Soapbox time? Lighten up, Tourist. Nobody's nominating you for the Janet Cooke Lifetime Achievement Award. So back to dishing out skinny, OK?

Absolutely. Without further delay ...

Readers enjoyed the column on twisted festivals. One wants to know about this one. Send your leads to yours truly and the Tourist will check it out: "I've heard of an annual gathering of people named Bob, and was wondering where I can get some info. Do you know?"

The Tourist's search drew blanks. Readers?

From reader T. Oele on a bizarre, hotel phone charge:

"Normally we never use the phone in the hotel room to make calls, since most likely some sort of charge will be incurred to even make a local call, let alone a long distance call. But during a recent stay at a Best Western resort in Mexico we were on vacation with relatives who had a room next to ours. About five times during our week long stay we called from one room to the other to discuss our plans for the day. We were quite surprised when we checked out to see several phone calls on the bill, since we had not made any calls outside the hotel. Come to find out we were charged the equivalent of 50 cents for every call made from one room to the other and also the room we called was charged for receiving the call.

"I had never before encountered a phone charge for calling from one room to another within a hotel. I e-mailed the Best Western International division about this and only got a rather feeble response saying that they would check into it. We had told the front desk manager at the hotel that these charges should be posted in the room, so the customer would not have to incur unexpected charges. But of course the hotel manager acted like he didn't know what we were talking about. The total bill was not a lot, but if we had known we would be charged to call to the next room, we would have just knocked on the door of our relatives to make our plans."

And the Tourist would have done the same. But he would have been more forceful with the local manager there to remove the charge. Keeping the bill on a credit card provides more bargaining leeway too, as you can dispute a charge that's not disclosed. But, for sure, making customers pay for room-to-room calls at 50 cents a pop is a classic, shoddy business practice. A hotel will do it because they realize most customers who are on corporate expense accounts won't bother to dispute the charge.

Reader Matt Finnigan agrees that this whole corporate-ization of our cities is getting out of hand. "What difference does it make if you travel to San Diego (Gaslamp Quarter) or Denver (Pavilion) or Times Square? You know that you'll find a Hard Rock, an All-Star Cafe and, probably a Nike Town. It's homogenized urban renewal. Maybe I should just be glad that there's urban renewal at all ..."

The Tourist can understand Matt's half full/half empty take. But he sees other cities (Portland, Ore. and his hometown of Alexandria, Va.) that have managed to maintain great renewals while keeping the obnoxious chains in relative check.

Meanwhile, Matt agrees that the Tourist's eye for brew pubs may be a suitable solution. Here are two he's spotted:

"Boston Brewing Company: It's main draw is that it's immediately across the street from Fenway Park. While it's a huge place and we were there when the Red Sox were out of town, our waiter told us that it fills up for ballgames. The waiters and waitresses were really knowledgeable about their beers. The Back Bay IPA was great, and the place touts its Blueberry Ale quite a bit. The food was surprisingly good and surprisingly cheap.

Free State Brewery: It's been around since about 1980 and it sits at the end of Lawrence, Kansas' downtown on Massachusetts Street, a block south of the Kansas River. Free State is one of the top attractions in a great (and underrated) nightlife district about 45 minutes west of Kansas City. During the summer, live music appears out back on their deck. Their Wheat State Golden and Ad Astra Ale are tremendous (you can buy five-ounce samplers of each beer for 90 cents apiece), as is their homemade guacamole."

OK, more than a few readers responded when the Tourist claimed he could easily make a better crabcake than any lump of dough that restaurants these days bill as something that came from an ocean. So they asked for his recipe. Here it is, roughly. It must be prepared while drinking at least one beer. (This is for three, hamburger-sized crabcakes, by the way. For six, double the recipe, and so on ...)

A pound of crab meat. Real crab meat, backfin or lump. Pick it for shells first, unless it's that pre-fab stuff that Phillips packs in cans from Indonesia. (Not that it's bad. It's fine. But a bit more bland than real crabmeat. However, the Phillips crabmeat pickers are really good about not having shells, unlike the U.S. crab houses.)

Anyway, take the pound of meat, put it in a large bowl and mix in one egg/two tablespoons of mayo (don't overdo this)/no more than four crumbled up Saltines/maybe four dashes of Worcestershire sauce/ a teaspoon of mustard.

Sprinkle in four or five dashes of Old Bay and maybe some salt and pepper. Not a lot.

Mix it together and then pack together like they were hearty hamburgers. Put on a slick cookie sheet, or tin foil (using just enough oil to prevent sticking), then broil until just the top of the cake is golden brown. Flip over and do same. (Shouldn't take long. Maybe four or five minutes on each side.)

For two, it's plenty and you usually will just have that third cake the next day, split between you with a nice piece of steak for surf and turf.

For that kind of easy meal, a restaurant would charge $50. You can probably buy the ingredients in season for $15 or less.

The Occidental Tourist is a magazine writer in Washington, DC. He writes for Maxim, Capital Style and ABCNews.com. His column appears on Tuesdays. E-mail him at tourist@ticked.com.