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The Occidental Tourist · June 7, 2000

OK, if the Tourist hasn't already convinced you to ditch the idea entirely of going to Orlando and making reservations for, say, Hedonism in Jamaica by now ...

... here's the final installment of his guide to surviving Disney World, especially for families with young ones. In all seriousness, there is a lot there to enjoy for children as young as toddlers. It touched the Tourist heart to see his young lad's eyes light up as he got to meet and hug Pooh and Tigger and all of their friends. To think, before Disney World, they were only real in a story book ...

(Editor to Tourist): Hey, what is this? Did I accidentally click on to the Kathie Lee online guide to parental goo? What happened to you, Tourist? Did you give up the good, gonzo travel fight and join an 'Up With People' revival tour?)

OK, OK, enough with the touchy-feely stuff. On with the skinny on Orlando and Disney. And send 'em your own observations at tourist@ticked.com, and don't forget to include your name and city/town of residence:

Plane travel: Take the travel misery and sorrow index - crammed seating, late flights, etc. - and multiply it by the number of kids you're bringing. Airlines make no pretense of being kind to families these days. They're too busy washing the feet of elite class travelers with bottles of Perrier.

At the gate, request, but don't expect, pre-boarding or bulkhead seating if you have a kid in a car seat. Delta certainly didn't provide this on the Dulles-Orlando express. You'd figure they'd want the kids situated first, so they wouldn't hold the flight boarding up. But you'd figure wrong.

Oh yeah, don't expect the flight attendants to come down the aisle with the traditional gift of wings for children either. We had to ask. Repeatedly. Finally, they brought some for our son on the flight back. And, no, a two-hour flight doesn't merit a meal either. So bring snacks and little sandwiches for your child. Also: To avoid hurting their ears during the flight, dried, chewy fruit snacks are good for toddlers, like little pineapple bits. To keep them occupied, bring out a new, little surprise on the plane that they haven't seen before, like a cloth puppet or soft book.

Corporate card discounts: These sound great. Save cash on admission, gifts, food, etc., with a card that your company may have available for free. That's until you find out about all the limitations at the park on which gifts can be discounted. Also, admission discounts often don't apply. We didn't get anything taken off, for example, because we were only going to the park for one day.

Gift shops: They're everywhere in Orlando, from the moment you step off the plane. So be ready. Divert your kids' attention with a Game Boy or something. Try to appease them to wait until you've hit an off-park site, to save up some bucks for what's essentially the same crud.

Cutting down on line time: Even in the off-season, lines reach an hour or more at some popular rides. Take advantage of the free Fastpass service at the park. You just insert your park entrance ticket at the Fastpass outlet at the ride. You'll then be given a good, window of time to return to the ride, without the long wait. Trust the Tourist on this one: The time-savings here is significant. You'll get plenty more bang for your buck by taking advantage of it. (This is available for the bigger attractions, like Space Mountain, Splash Mountain and a few others.)

Also, consider hitting a big ride or two during the character parades - when families pack the streets, armed with video cams.

The character breakfasts are a good deal: Spent less than $15 each to have breakfast with Pooh, Tiger and others at the Old Key West resort. The Tourist's young lad had a blast with the characters, who were available early and often for hugs and hellos, and, of course, pictures. The breakfast itself was a generous offering of scrambled eggs, bacon, waffles and much-needed coffee.

Watch out for thoughtless smokers: Gee, cigarettes must affect your hearing and reading ability. Because the Tourist clearly heard and read throughout his visit that smoking was banned in Disney except in clearly designated areas. Didn't stop people from lighting up wherever. They should be ashamed.

So smokers, get a clue: This is a place for kids. Try chucking the disgusting habit for a few hours, OK? The Tourist actually saw one grandfather lighting up a cigar while he was watching over an infant in a stroller. If it were up to the Tourist, he'd suspend the guy's grand-parental rights until further review ...

The Occidental Tourist is a magazine writer in Washington, DC. He writes for Maxim, Capital Style and ABCNews.com. His column appears on Tuesdays. E-mail him at tourist@ticked.com.