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Traveling Smart
The Occidental Tourist · May 26, 1999

Last week, the Tourist waxed melancholy over the prospect of one billion air passengers traveling every year by 2010. He shudders at the thought. As it is, he has a difficult time finding a seat at airport bars.

While having faith in the Federal Aviation Administration to handle the demand is like trusting Andrew Dice Clay to shop for your wedding anniversary present, that was last week's column. This is the week that the Tourist explains how we can all make it easier on ourselves as the airways get more crowded:

- Quit trying to get on an airplane before your aisle is called: There's a reason they start from the rear, stupid. When you jump ahead, you're crowding space in the front rows and blocking off access to the rows behind. It's selfish and self-defeating. We all leave at the same time. If enough people jump in front of the line, the plane is assured of leaving late.

- Use the seat space underneath you for those smaller items: Overhead storage isn't for pocketbooks, gym bags or your fanny pack. Hell, you oughta put your coat on your lap to save space too.

- Plot your time wisely: Factor in all the variables when it comes to getting there an hour before the flight leaves. Like planning for the ever-increasing traffic, and searching for those ever more elusive parking spaces. And dealing with larger crowds on walkways and security checks. Best Fares has a great rundown of what you need to know about airline check-in times.

- OK, this is especially for y'all in Atlanta and Dallas, where the Tourist is constantly chasing down a connection and gets stuck behind people crowding the escalators and moving sidewalks. Follow this simple guideline: Stand to the right. Walk to the left. In New York, municipal code allows that people who stand on the left can be shot, stuffed and put on display at the subway stations.

- This from Jen Heck, of www.charged.com. Assure yourself of a roomy flight by traveling an airline that recently had a crash: Hmm, intriguing thought there. Maybe Jen's on to something. "Major savings are to be had for the adventurous air traveler," Heck says. "Statistically speaking, you'll probably be pretty safe." No argument there, Jen. No safer airline can be found than one being combed over thoroughly by safety investigators. Besides, you'll likely have PLENTY of room on board!

- Parents bringing infants on board: We love your little babies, really. Those cute, little babies. Those cute, little, crying, screaming, fussy, bratty babies. Those cute, little #*&$)*#$ babies! OK, got the point? Increased security means longer lines too, so the last thing the Tourist wants is to stand between two screamers. Try bringing some small, soft hand puppets you can pluck out of a fanny pack if the little monster -- er, precious child -- gets cranky. "You have to have comforters," says Dr. Stevanne Auerbach, author of Dr. Toy's Smart Play. "He's going into a strange situation with new sounds and may get anxious." Sounds right to the Tourist, Doc Toy.

- Make use of E-tickets: Paper is passé, says Michael Sabitoni, professor of travel-tourism management at the Hospitality College at Johnson & Wales University in Providence, R.I. "The use of electronic tickets (E-tickets) is great way to beat crowds and long lines at the check-in counter," he says. "You can get E-tickets through your travel agencies, your airline, or at the airport at an electronic ticket dispenser. With E tickets, you can go directly to the gate if you don't have to check any luggage."

- And don't try to sneak luggage that oughta be checked in, pal: "Responsible travelers don't delay the boarding process by trying to carry on bags that belong in the luggage compartment," Sabitoni says. If you're not sure, check it. The Tourist can be a surly traveler when a jerk makes him miss those flight connections.

If you have other useful tips -- or an entertaining horror story about crowded air travel -- send 'em to ottravel@yahoo.com. The Tourist will print the ones he likes in a future column.

The Occidental Tourist is a magazine writer in Washington, DC. Email him at ottravel@yahoo.com.