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(c) Elliott Publishing.

E-Mail Shocker
The Occidental Tourist · March 29, 2000

As you probably concluded, the Tourist isn’t exactly the kind of guy who reacts politely when he gets unexpected (and unwelcome) phone calls from solicitors, publicity-hustlers and other intrusive idiots.

Basically, he ranks these types on the food chain somewhere between microscopic life and sea algae. Needless to say, he doesn’t want his phone line tied up politely trying to get rid of them.

So you can only imagine how much he appreciates getting surprise ‘howdy dos’ and otherwise inane pitches via e-mail. Especially when he’s on travel, in a strange hotel room, attempting to access ‘real’ messages on a connection that moves with the swiftness of the Ken Starr investigation.

Like many travelers, the Tourist has had plenty of keyboard-slapping frustrations in trying to access e-mail on the road. So much that the heavy laptop lugged around essentially only serves as a word processor — not a computer.

He bets you have too. So send him your horror stories at tourist@ticked.com for consideration of a future column, and include your full name and city/town of residence.

There are tons of bewildering anecdotes: The nights spent in high-priced lodging rooms trying to call up the corporate network e-mail with no success — sometimes being charged $5 and more for each futile connection. (Although after seeing the bill on my hotel TV screen account summary, you can get these charges dropped with a polite, explanatory call to the front-desk manager.)

Or the $4 wasted on the US West Internet service provided at Seattle’s Sea-Tac airport. The alleged ‘mouse’ didn’t stick on the screen in place. The ‘return’ key didn’t work. The result? Work-related e-mail resembled a James Joyce novel.

Then there are always the humorous run-ins: The hotel that advertised Internet TV for $5.99 an hour. Turned out to just be a couple of Web-resembling amusements, including a video strip poker game. When the Tourist called the front desk to ask why this advertised service couldn’t access a Yahoo-linked e-mail account, the tech-challenged clerk responded with “It’s the Internet. It’s not e-mail.”

Sigh. (No, the Tourist didn’t spend much time trying to bring her up to date. Yes, he got that charge wiped from the bill as well.) But, heck, those stories are fairy tales compared to that of Ricka Kohnstamm, who heads a small, family-run marketing firm in St. Paul, Minn.

Recently staying at the Outer Banks of North Carolina, she checked in with e-mail several times a day and remained online to bounce back replies. The tab? $700 for the week. She was unwittingly charged per connection, with a hefty per-minute rate tossed into the mix. That bill was at least as much as an entire month’s worth of phone expense at the home office.

“What a shock!,” Kohnstamm says. “It really has the potential to wreak havoc on a small biz's budget.”

Fortunately, when it comes to dealing with e-mail on the road, business travelers like Kohnstamm don’t have to be repeatedly stiffed — or otherwise bogged down with connections that move at sun dial-speed.

Next week, a round-up of new technology wrinkles, hotel improvements and other veteran traveler tips to make e-mailing on the road easier.

The Occidental Tourist is a magazine writer in Washington, DC. He writes for Maxim, POV, Capital Style and ABCNews.com. His column appears on Tuesdays. E-mail him at tourist@ticked.com.