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(c) Elliott Publishing.

Getting Off
The Occidental Tourist · November 15, 2000

Last week, the Tourist waxed melancholy over the onslaught of travelers who overrun his favorite destinations during peak season. People are willing to spend a ton of money to essentially take forever to get somewhere. Then elbow their way to get maybe a square yard of beach to deposit a blanket. Or stand in a line for two hours to take a three-minute rollercoaster ride.

Which is why he essentially said 'screw it' this year and opted for off-season travel. Specifically, the Tourist and his crew went to a ski town without snow and a beach well after the Labor Day weekend's traditional end of summer. Here's the recap:

Ocean City, Md.: Now, you may not associate the Tourist with flights of romantic fancy. But when he was courting his future missus, he got the inspiration to take her to this beach in the middle of winter. Turned out to be a fine call. The beach was free of people and great for winter walks in the ocean air. The boardwalk was an atmospheric ghost town; walking amid the shut-down roller coasters and game booths lent an intriguing, haunting impression. The best restaurants - the ones where locals go - were opened, and seating was plentiful.

Anyway, nearly five years later, we headed to Ocean City with our beloved toddler son in September, after the official Labor Day close of summer 2000. With our stay free of charge - thanks to a generous pal's hand-off of his condo keys - the Tourist knew he was in for another pleasant outing.

Turned out to be another, savvy move. The beach had enough people to make it festive for his son, but not so many that he couldn't get good real estate for blankets, chairs and umbrellas. It was still a warm week, at about 85 degrees, and the ocean water maintained the comfortable temperature as a full summer of sun tends to linger.

On the boardwalk, there were plenty of rides still operating, not to mention places to get a burger and fries. And, while August was in the rear-view mirror, there were still a few weeks left in the crabbing season so the Tourist could buy a bagful to enjoy with several, cold beers.

Oh, and getting there and back? The Tourist could only chuckle at the news accounts of the misery endured by the masses of humanity trying to get home on the Labor Day holiday. Not exactly his idea of an enjoyable day off. Taking a vacation day, he got there to the beach in no time on an off day during the week, then made it home in a jiffy since most of the crowds had already left.

Stratton Mountain, Vt.: The Tourist's in-laws have had a ski condo here for decades. Now, while he enjoys skiing, the Tourist has zero patience for teenage punks who cut in front of lift lines, then clutter up the lanes with their stupid snowboards.

So this year, the Tourist and his family spent a week with the extended clan in Vermont during the summer. Surprisingly, the mountain leaves were already providing a sneak peak of the autumn color changes. The Tourist took his missus and the beloved lad on a day-trip train ride along side streams and nice, little towns. Without the crowds, there was plenty of room for his toddler to run up and down the car to expend his abundant energy.

The Tourist spent an afternoon - not an entire day - going to several of the outlet shops that are always packed during peak season. (But, go figure: Doesn't matter whether it's off season or not, the Tourist is still too cheap to buy anything.)

True, there wasn't much in the way of skiing. This was due to technical reasons, that being an absence of snow in the summertime. But this was no problem. The Tourist made up for this by taking the lift to the top and rolling large, destructive objects down the hill.

And he can only hope he hit a future snowboarder in the process.

The Occidental Tourist is a magazine writer in Washington, DC. He writes for Maxim, POV, Capital Style and ABCNews.com. His column appears on Tuesdays. E-mail him at tourist@ticked.com.