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Magic Primer
The Occidental Tourist · May 31, 2000

Last week, the Tourist opened up with a fresh, inside look at doing the Disney thing. Face it, the whole experience is madness and you have every right to a fine glass of Shiraz and a fat, New York strip after the trip is done.

But first, you have to survive the ordeal. Here are some hints. And send 'em your own observations at tourist@ticked.com, and don't forget to include your name and city/town of residence:

Pre-trip research: Last week, The Tourist offered up some decent Web resources. But you're not gonna lug a computer to the park. So he highly recommends the guide, "Walt Disney World With Kids," by Kim Wright Wiley, readily available at bookstores and, natch, Amazon.com.

Parents sported this guide in the park like a Bible, and, for sure, Wiley provides sound, non-corporate filtered skinny on rides, hotels, bargains, restaurants, etc. One helpful hint: When in doubt in approaching lines for transportation, tickets, etc., head to the left. It's generally a shorter wait. Sounded good to the Tourist, although he knocked over three toddlers and perhaps a grandmother in a wheelchair during one particularly enthusiastic sprint.

Wiley's very candid about which rides are OK for which age of child. Her breakouts on restaurants and lodging are helpful in allowing you to customize the trip for your budget/needs. It's worth $15 to save yourself a lot of time and trouble.

Also: Get with a travel agent who has booked Disney often with your specific inquiries. And go on the various bulletin boards online and ask those who have been there. Talk to relatives. We almost booked Animal Kingdom, for example, until a family member told us that they didn't see any animals after it got hot during the day. That's the sort of info you're not going to get from the Disney corporate types.

Lodging: Sure, you take that monorail into the Magic Kingdom and you think: "Gosh darn. It would be nice to stay at that there Grand Floridian Resort, and unwind after the day with an English mustard seed bath/wrap ..." Get real. You're going to cough up a hundred bucks to get yourself coated like a prepared piece of fish? And you have anywhere from $300 to $1,800 to pay for a room?

Not likely. Sure, there are other in-park hotels too that cost less. But they're not cheap either. (The Caribbean Beach Resort can approach $200 a night with taxes.) You need to consider hotels/camp sites situated outside the park. They can cut potentially hundreds of dollars off your bill. Besides, at these places, you're not held captive to the pricey in-park restaurants and gift shops.

Of course, the Tourist got out of paying lodging entirely by crashing at his parents' place in Winter Haven, Fla., as he wrote in a previous column. The folks wouldn't even let him shell out for park tickets. So, short on cash ... don't despair: There's a ton of great golf/tennis retirement communities around Orlando, folks. You very well could have a parent or in-law there. (And if you don't, you can probably find someone JUST like them, and they won't know the difference.)

The bottom line: If you have any sense of promptness and planning, you should be fine with staying off-site and using the decent Disney shuttle/monorail transit system. We got there at 9 a.m. and arrived at the park about a half hour later. Parking was plentiful, and we didn't have to wait for more than one shuttle or monorail to get us there. On the way back, with crowds exiting in staggered fashion, we didn't wait at all.

Next week: The word on Disney plane travel, gift shops, long lines, clueless smokers and other assorted tales of misery and madness.

The Occidental Tourist is a magazine writer in Washington, DC. He writes for Maxim, Capital Style and ABCNews.com. His column appears on Tuesdays. E-mail him at tourist@ticked.com.