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(c) Elliott Publishing.

Doing Disney
The Occidental Tourist · May 24, 2000

In a past life, the Tourist was actually a real, live reporter working for a real, live metro daily. (No, he's not saying which one. But, unless your idea of heavyweight news amounts to programming like "When Nuns Fight Back," you've probably heard of it.)

He used to hold down a classic Saturday night shift in which triple homis, three-alarm fires and other inspiring, heartfelt incidents were routinely summarized through his fast-typing fingers. So, as you can imagine after many nights of editing this depressing copy, his boss was looking forward to a vacation.

"Where are you going?" the young Tourist asked.

"Disney World" his editor replied.

"Oh," the Tourist wondered. "Do you like Disney World a lot?"

"No," editor said. "I hate Disney World. But I love my kids."

Back then, the Tourist didn't understand. You only get so many breaks a year. Why use up a week doing something you don't like? But he was a bachelor then. Now, with a toddler son, the Tourist knows very well what his editor was talking about. As a destination, Disney World has about as much appeal as spending a week at an international infomercial festival. So he kept himself focused on his son's enchanted face. Somehow, it made sense.

OK, enough with the sappy stuff. You need skinny. In a special, season-themed, three-parter, the Tourist will offer his best survival guide for the trip to Orlando. And send 'em your own observations at tourist@ticked.com, and don't forget to include your name and city/town of residence.

Before you go:

  • Web resources: The official Disney site is essentially designed for you to - surprise - buy stuff quickly. (Book Your Vacation ... Shop Now, Ship Free!) It's fairly frustrating to get the standard, introductory questions answered, like, 'Which rides are OK for my kid?' or 'How long should we plan for waiting in line?" Y'know, little things that are useful for planning the trip. The Disney folks seem to assume that you already know a lot. Which, of course, if you haven't been there, you don't.

    But you need to get a good crash course. Fortunately, other online resources can help.

    The Tourist found the Kingdom Magic Travel site more helpful. It has a calculator, for example, to figure out the tab. It has 'real' people weighing in on their trips, to provide a sense of what you may wanna consider. Through a partnership with Intercot, it puts out a decent, nuts and bolts guide to help you figure out where to stay/go and how much you should expect to shell out.

    A warning: It can be dicey, advice wise, erring on the side of being too positive.

    For instances? It recommends the Tiki Bird attraction in Adventureland for toddlers, for example, with a slight warning that there's a little thunder during the show that could "temporarily" frighten a child. Give the Tourist a break. There's a TON of thunder during the show, along with lightening and ominous darkness. Hell, it scared HIM, let alone the poor kids in front of him that had to leave the show in tears. Good thing the Tourist's son is pretty immune to that stuff.

    It also recommends the Hall of Presidents show on the toddler line-up. Yeah, right. One minute into watching LBJ and Nixon trading Ho Chi Minh stories, and your toddler will likely be running in a panic to the exits for the Dumbo ride. (But wouldn't it be cool to have a Hall of the Presidents Death Match wrestling show? Gimme Teddy Roosevelt versus either of 'em, with the spread ...)

  • OK, then what IS acceptable for a toddler, you ask? No need to go outside the Magic Kingdom, and you can do it in a day. The Tourist's lil' lad was delighted with "It's a Small World," "Dumbo The Flying Elephant," "The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh" and the "Mad Tea Party." But the Tourist kinda wishes there was something more potent in the tea cups to get him through the experience.
Next week, more pre-trip advice and lodging tips.

The Occidental Tourist is a magazine writer in Washington, DC. He writes for Maxim, Capital Style and ABCNews.com. His column appears on Tuesdays. E-mail him at tourist@ticked.com.