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Little Easy
The Occidental Tourist · June 21, 2000

Last week, the Tourist revealed how New Orleans is dumping the very nuance that makes it great. Today, he provides the insider look at the machine that's hawking the city's very soul.

Local boosters are calling the Disney-ization of New Orleans a success. Of course, that's what local boosters do. At Three Mile Island, they'd plug Armageddon World as a family attraction if they thought enough idiots would buy tickets. In New Orleans, the tourism office manufactured a hundred things to do in town that are family-friendly. This year, it printed up 15,000 copies of the "More Than 100 Things For Kids" brochure, with corporations, trade groups and families snatching them up.

Doesn't hurt that the travel press is buying the con job. This past summer, 17 travel writers brought their kids to New Orleans for a tour of the wholesome attractions. Of course, local tourism folks were happy to pick up expenses for the scribes. So, naturally, these 'journalists' will ignore anything that dispels this family-friendly image when they write their stories. (The New Orleans promotions machine is especially aggressive with media hospitality. The tourism office offered the Tourist an expense-free run of the town the moment he let word slip that he was a writer. The Tourist declined.)

OK, the Tourist will be fair, so here's his honest take: While scouring for more than 100 family outlets may have been a stretch - after all, would you go out of your way to visit something called the Pharmacy Museum? - you CAN find reasonably priced G-rated entertainment in New Orleans. There are jazzy riverboat cruises along the Mississippi. The IMAX theater was showing a T-Rex flick. The Aquarium of the Americas features baby sharks and sea otters. (But give the Tourist a break with the slogan: "They're like, so cute." That's like, so vomit-inducing.)

And this banal influx of pre-fab family glut is taking over the place. Coming in May 2000: Jazzland, a 140-acre amusement park with 31 rides, shows and all the other things that tourists love when they can't get enough of the Six Flags near their own subdivisions.

The aquarium, IMAX theater and convention center are all neatly clustered along the river and sport that Inner Harboresque, dogmatically scrubbed-clean look. When the kiddies get pooped, parents can call a sitter and head over across the street to the new Harrah's casino, where visitors are greeted by palm trees, a synchronized fountain show and jazz lite piped out of fake granite. The Harrah's is dedicated to "the unique character, infinite creativity and dynamic culture that are the essence of New Orleans."

The problem with all of this, however, is that New Orleans "unique character" has a lot to do with getting really trashed and looking at naked people. The Tourist loves the 400 block of Bourbon, which manages on its own to pack enough adult entertainment to make for its own "100 Things" brochure: a topless/bottomless male and female strip joint, an XXX video store, Bourbon Burlesque, Papa Joe's female impersonator review and a lingerie place.

And this is what locals cherish about New Orleans, for better or worse, family-fit or not. On a previous visit last year, a tarot card reader predicted the swift demise of a Fashion Cafe, an eatery then launched by those supermodels. Today, it's gone. And Planet Hollywood? The city's traditionalists can always hope. After all, Ahnurd and Co. filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy in October.

OK, the final word. Given that families and hedonists are going to flock to the city no matter what, here's a thumbnail guide from the Tourist for either taste:

If you're going to New Orleans to be nice: Giving credit where it's due, tourism promoters have assembled a very price-friendly family package, combining visits to the aquarium, Imax and the Audubon Zoo at a cost of $21.25 for adults and $13 for children age 2-12. But, please, ditch the overpriced chain food and take in some local cuisine, which isn't terribly expensive. For the $12-plus you'd spend on a bacon cheeseburger and milk shake at the Hard Rock Cafe, you could have a delicious poached eggs Hollandaise on lump crabmeat and coffee at the nearby Saint Ann/Marie Hotel.

For family fun that still maintains rich, local tradition, stop at Cafe Du Monde on Decatur Street for cafe au lait and hot beignets. With European-styled awning, the cafe never closes and has served as a local eatery since the 1860s.

If you're going there to be naughty: Buy a $1.25, 24-ounce Budweiser and a 16-cent plastic cup at the 1930s-era A&P grocery on Royal Street in the quarter. Walk outside and pour beer into cup. (It's OK. It's legal here.)

Immediately proceed to Bourbon and have a blast.

The Occidental Tourist is a magazine writer in Washington, DC. He writes for Maxim, Capital Style and ABCNews.com. His column appears on Tuesdays. E-mail him at tourist@ticked.com.