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(c) Elliott Publishing.

Strange Conventions
The Occidental Tourist · August 9, 2000

There the Tourist was, stuck in a hotel lounge somewhere in Charlotte, N.C., several years ago. His missus convinced him to go to his first-ever Dead show. Unfortunately the Mensa candidates who ran the arena banned beer sales during the show.

This was no problem for the Deadheads. They seemed blissfully content, obviously via illegal narcotics. The Tourist, however, was stone-cold sober. Of this, he is certain: Without chemical assistance, he would rather stick long, skinny needles in his eyeballs than watch the Dead. A few months later, Jerry Garcia would make a literal transition to his band's namesake. Watching him on stage, the Tourist wasn't too sure that rigor mortis had already set in.

Recovering after the performance, natch, with the first of many Wild Turkeys in that lounge, the Tourist's spirits were lifted by a different show staged by the eclectic crew of guests: The hotel had booked not only Deadheads, but an ROTC conference and a midget convention. Suddenly, people-watching got very interesting.

Since then, the Tourist has always had an eye out for rather unconventional conventions. But, Tourist, you may ask ... how do we find such goings-on? It's not exactly like there's a Web site called WackoConferences.com.

Fret now, dear reader. This is why Ticked.com is here, after all, to sleuth it out, tapping into our vast array of databases, highly placed authorities and witness-protection snitches ...

Editor to Tourist: Hey, cool! I didn't realize we had all these resources!

Tourist to editor: We don't. But if you get an reimbursement request for $1,032 worth of liquor, mace and cigarettes made payable to "Moleman and the Human Tattoo," don't ask any questions.

Anyway, here's our talented consultants turned up. And send the Tourist your strange convention sitings at tourist@ticked.com, and include your full name and city/town of residence:

  • The Midwest States Intergalactic Bead Festival is making numerous stops this summer, and vendors include Sticks and Stones, Curious Goods, October Mountain, and Jim "Swopie" Swope. You can only wonder how such eager souls manage to survive in a clearly cut-throat industry that contends, in the show's literature, that "white and blue horned eye beads have a magical meaning."

  • For reasons that are plainly obvious, children under 13 are not permitted on the show floor at Coffee Fest New Orleans from June 2-4. Free samplings from these kinds of vendors are the last thing kids need: General Espresso, Ghiradelli Chocolate, Java Espresso, Mountain Chai and dozens of others.

  • First, the Dead. Now, the real dead. Or, er, the 'post-life' to the Now Age 2000 bereavement convention/cruise, which sets sail from Ft. Lauderdale on June 10 and heads to the Caribbean for seven days. There will be mediums, intuitives and plenty of folks who like to get meta-physical. To them, being dead just means you don't have to pay for a cabin. Cost starts at $1,250.

  • Try convincing the Tourist that their luggage should be allowed as carry-on: The American Harp Society National Conference is set for June 21-24 at the University of Cincinnati's Conservatory of Music.
Next week, the Tourist wraps up with erotic dancers, guyfests and tequila-chugging robots.

The Occidental Tourist is a magazine writer in Washington, DC. He writes for Maxim, Capital Style and ABCNews.com. His column appears on Tuesdays. E-mail him at tourist@ticked.com.