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Err-phemisms
Err Travel · November 21, 2000

In a recent USA Today article, Blake Morrison described how pilots are coached to carefully choose the words they use when addressing passengers over an airplane's public address system. For instance, they are encouraged to use "bumpy air" instead of "turbulence" and refer to "thunderstorms" as "rain showers."

And as far as using the word "late"? Forget about it.

How weird, I thought, that pilots should fret about what they say over an airplane's public address system. Do they really think that we can hear or understand what they say? To me, all airborne announcements sound the pretty much the same: "gckkkckc kckgckckcgk kkck gkckkk kkckg kckkkk kkkck ckckgkgk…." (And at the end of the announcement the question from my seatmate is always the same too: "Wadeesay?")

What's the deal with airplane PA systems anyway? Here I am flying in a multi-million dollar airplane and the pilot sounds like he's talking over electronics supplied by Fisher Price. On the other hand - and a little worrisome - announcements made by flight attendants are much easier to hear than those from the cockpit.

And what's the deal with those announcements, too? Though the information broadcast by the flight attendants makes for easier listening, it is no less cryptic. So, as a public service to Err Travel readers, here are how to interpret some of the public announcements you may hear.

"Customers seated in an exit row may need to open that exit in the event of an emergency. Please review the Safety Briefing Card in the seat pocket in front of you, then contact a flight attendant if you cannot or do not wish to operate the exit."

Translation: "All wimps outta the exit rows. That goes for you, too, grandma"

"In the unlikely event of a water landing…." (This is my favorite.)

Translation: "In case we crash in a substantial body of water…." Name me one time that any of those 7-series, Boeing jobs has ever glided in for a nice touchdown on the ocean.

"In most cases the seat cushion may be used as a flotation aid."

Translation: "…except maybe in your case."

"In case of a power loss, an escape path or emergency lighting system will direct you to all exits."

Translation: "If you're alive after a crash, get your ass out of the airplane."

"If there is a sudden change in cabin pressure, a mask compartment above your seat will open automatically. If this happens, quickly reach for the nearest mask and pull it firmly toward you. This action starts the flow of oxygen. Please ensure the plastic bag is clear of the mask and place the yellow cup over your nose and mouth. Continue to breathe normally."

Translation: "If the fuselage pops, all the air will get sucked out of the passenger cabin, the temperature will likely drop to 20 degrees below zero in a few moments, and the flight crew will declare an emergency. Get that plastic cup to your face in five seconds or you will be taking a very long nap." (Continue to breathe normally? Fat chance.)

"The Captain has turned off the Fasten Seatbelt Sign. While you are seated, you should keep your seatbelt fastened."

Translation: "At any moment you could be flung into the air and batted around like a steel ball in a pinball machine."

"In preparation for landing, please adjust your seatbacks so they are in the upright position, stow your tray tables. Place carry-on luggage under the seat in front of you."

Translation: "There is a chance we could crash-land. Better get ready." (If we were being prepared for "landing," why all the fuss about making it easy to get out of our seats and keeping the aisles clear?)

"Bye-bye."

Dr. Terry Riley is a psychologist and travel security authority. His column appears on Wednesdays. He is author of the popular book Travel Can Be Murder. Visit his site at http://www.appliedpsychology.com or e-mail him at terry@ticked.com.