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Bidet Mayday
Err Travel · May 23, 2000

In the past few weeks, e-mail has been flowing in on the issue of bidet use. Readers are flush with ideas, but many have no more of a clue on how to use a bidet than do I.

Some samples (with a lot of editing on my part for purposes of propriety):

My mum always said that after the toilet you must use a bidet. I don't see the point. They are bloody uncomfortable. In Spain they are normally located so close to the toilet that there's no room to put a leg either side so you end up mounting it like an old woman on a motorbike.

Helen F
[Helen, thanks for the visual.]

I got up the courage to actually turn the water on once. A spray shot straight up and hit the ceiling, which dripped for a while before drying. I concluded that something needs to be placed above the spray head. When someone solves this mystery for you, I hope you will share the response with the rest of us.

Just the same, I always conclude that a place is high-class when a bidet stands among the appliances. Perhaps the answer lies among the secrets of hotel marketing. Yes, the bidet is simply a margin generator! Have you asked the Cornell School of Hotel Management? Maybe airlines could charge higher ticket prices if they added a bidet to each aircraft. In fact, I'd rather ride sitting on a bidet than cramped into some of the coach seats I've seen lately. You may be on to something worthwhile, Riley.

Scott B
[Scott, you managed to go from bidets to yet another shot at the airlines. Good one.]

Greetings from Firenze, where I am the proud renter of a bidet (with apartment attached). I am uncertain about bidets in general but have found them to be useful for washing laundry, draping a towel when showering or cooling bottled drinks in warm weather!

Martha K
[Just be careful, Martha. You don't want to find yourself one summer afternoon sucking on a nice, cool pair of wet socks.]

Glad you tackled the tough one on the bidet issue. I recall being the guest of some French people. The only thing they had in their bathroom was a bidet. Hardly the stuff of tourist brochures.

Stuart W
[Maybe not. How 'bout a "Bidets of the World" tour?]

When I was 18 years old in the Navy and located at Naples, Italy (1946) a friend and I went to Cortina Del Ampezzo and by golly there was a bidet in this very large hotel where we were assigned for rest leave. My guess was it was a grapefruit squeezer. My friend was looking it over when another buddy turned on the valve and he got a face full of water (and probably a lot of germs too).

Bob H
[A citrus squeezer and eyewash in one. What a concept!]

Being so close to the commode, I figured it was for when you got sick. You could throw up and then immediately wash your mouth out.

Gary R
[My brother, the project manager. Always looking for increases in efficiency.]

Your column about the confusion we have with bidets tickled me so much I nearly wet my pants.

Loren F
[Loren, if this is a comment about my writing, thanks. If this is a comment about the use of bidets, I know enough now to tell you that you're doing it wrong.]

Dr. Terry Riley is a psychologist and travel security authority. His column appears on Wednesdays. He is author of the popular book Travel Can Be Murder. Visit his site at http://www.appliedpsychology.com or e-mail him at terry@ticked.com.